My emotional earthquake

There are those who crumble in the face of destruction and adversity and there are those who thrive with such a secure sense of serenity that no one can detect any feelings of inner turmoil or grief.

The past month has came with so many heart-wrenching changes. It feels like my life has been tossed around by a turbulent earthquake that shook my life from its foundation and attempted to topple the whole thing into a pile of painful emotions.

Everyone wants to BE brave and try to confront these emotions with logic and the ability to compartamentalize but many times, we are not brave enough and the only thing we can do is try our best to ignore them.

Ignoring a dire situation that affects us deeply would qualify as crumbling in the face of destruction. It's natural to run away from problems. It's natural to not speak about them. But these foul emotions boil in our blood and soak through our muscles and bones like a poison that will eventually plant an upcoming explosion of anger, regret, tears, and perpetual loneliness. Even in the midst of weed-filled laughter and alcohol charged passion.

I want to fill the void with designer labels, throat tingling weed, expensive tequila, sparking champagne, and french kisses but the only thing I actually want to do is RUN! I wanna run and I want to run far away and secretly hope that someone will run after me and tell me stay. Is it a feminine downfall that we all must feel wanted in order to feel alive? Is it the masculinity in me that tries to counteract this desperate need to feel loved by keeping myself busy with smoke filled basement parties and exotic weed?

This must be all pretend. My sense of security was a mirage. Well it existed but it floated away like a fluffy feather into the electric blueness of a sunny sky. Then when I need it, it rains down like the sky's teardrops and drifts away like the smell of good cologne again. Security is never constant. Sometimes you have it, sometimes you don't.

The worst fucking feeling is shame. In fact, I think it's worse than regret. It's not the same as embarrassment because shame will stay with you forever. It's pretty fucking bad because most of the time, people feel shame for YOU. You don't realize that this feeling is multiplied by all the people around that pity you. Can we all see why nobody ever wants to talk about their feelings? Ever asked your boyfriend or girlfriend to talk abound something and they tell you to FUCK OFF? Maybe our emotions seem so measly and insignificant that we just choose to stitch our vocal chords. Unfortunately this is the vicious cycle that brings us back to the explosion of emotions and the earthquake of grief that comes and goes like the seasons.

How the fuck are we supposed to hold ourselves together?!