My emotional earthquake

There are those who crumble in the face of destruction and adversity and there are those who thrive with such a secure sense of serenity that no one can detect any feelings of inner turmoil or grief.

The past month has came with so many heart-wrenching changes. It feels like my life has been tossed around by a turbulent earthquake that shook my life from its foundation and attempted to topple the whole thing into a pile of painful emotions.

Everyone wants to BE brave and try to confront these emotions with logic and the ability to compartamentalize but many times, we are not brave enough and the only thing we can do is try our best to ignore them.

Ignoring a dire situation that affects us deeply would qualify as crumbling in the face of destruction. It's natural to run away from problems. It's natural to not speak about them. But these foul emotions boil in our blood and soak through our muscles and bones like a poison that will eventually plant an upcoming explosion of anger, regret, tears, and perpetual loneliness. Even in the midst of weed-filled laughter and alcohol charged passion.

I want to fill the void with designer labels, throat tingling weed, expensive tequila, sparking champagne, and french kisses but the only thing I actually want to do is RUN! I wanna run and I want to run far away and secretly hope that someone will run after me and tell me stay. Is it a feminine downfall that we all must feel wanted in order to feel alive? Is it the masculinity in me that tries to counteract this desperate need to feel loved by keeping myself busy with smoke filled basement parties and exotic weed?

This must be all pretend. My sense of security was a mirage. Well it existed but it floated away like a fluffy feather into the electric blueness of a sunny sky. Then when I need it, it rains down like the sky's teardrops and drifts away like the smell of good cologne again. Security is never constant. Sometimes you have it, sometimes you don't.

The worst fucking feeling is shame. In fact, I think it's worse than regret. It's not the same as embarrassment because shame will stay with you forever. It's pretty fucking bad because most of the time, people feel shame for YOU. You don't realize that this feeling is multiplied by all the people around that pity you. Can we all see why nobody ever wants to talk about their feelings? Ever asked your boyfriend or girlfriend to talk abound something and they tell you to FUCK OFF? Maybe our emotions seem so measly and insignificant that we just choose to stitch our vocal chords. Unfortunately this is the vicious cycle that brings us back to the explosion of emotions and the earthquake of grief that comes and goes like the seasons.

How the fuck are we supposed to hold ourselves together?!

I hate this subject

Love is not supposed to be jealousy, lies, loneliness or any of those bad things that we put ourselves through thinking "that's what love is". What happened to that pure, warm feeling that I was once tricked into thinking love is by watching too much TV and movies, reading too many romantic books. Are those types of love, not real?

At this point, I would think so. Realistically, love makes us feel shitty more than it makes us feel good. I don't know if I'm right. Maybe it's just what I've known. But I'm going to avoid digging too deep into this subject because I can ramble forever about it. Love is alot of unanswered questions.

It's knowing exactly when to say what, when to do what, having a good memory, having a good sixth sense, having self control, knowing when to get close and when to give space.

I don't know if I have the capacity for all that. I don't know if anyone else does either.

SWEAT

Since Cristine has some high-roller friends, I was able to get into Royale on Tremont St. without cover and free drinks. I usually don't do clubs but it was a once in a lifetime chance since I'll be turning 21 in like 7 months anyway! I had to sneak in with a fake ID at least once to complete my adolescent life.

I drank 5 Midori Sours and had 2 shots of Patron. I got fucked up. I threw up in the middle of Washington St. while stopped at a red light in a Mercedes. That softens the blow! lol

I'm good for a while.

BALENCIAGA

The top!


THIS DRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHH


Yes, please, don't stop. Balenciaga is killin'em.






I love neutrals.

Viva Versace

Long live Gianni. and good job to Donatella for this amazing showcase of vibrancy for the Spring time.





My favorites. Yellow and black are one of my favorite colorways.

I used to wear LA Gears and I loved how the sole lit up and I wore them everyday for a whole 3 weeks until the soles stopped lighting up, cus then it wasn't any fun anymore.

Say Hello to Jimmy Choo's Zappa Sandal which has a light-up heel and light up platform. A scorchingly sexy but nostalgic (for me) sandal. Makes me wish I owned the world and can have anything I want.

On some real fucken shit

I don't know what's gotten into me but I've been super-sensitive about pretty much everything. (I've been learning about emotional intelligence in my Consumer Behavior class)

But yeah, when I was young, I was never bullied but I always felt a sense of not belonging. (I always got picked last for kickball because I don't fucken play sports...OF ANY KIND.)



He's a little cutie pie, right? Well guess what..HE'S DEAD. A year ago, Carl Joseph Walker Jr. hung himself at the age of 11 because of bullies in his school.

But seriously, like seriously, bullying in the United States has gotten out of hand.

Sometimes it gets out of hand for some children, whose brains are obviously not fully developed to understand that bullies themselves are fucking losers whose parents don't love them & that will grow up to fuck ugly fat girls.

His mother has proposed a legislation that will hopefully come into effect ASAP called the Safe Schools Improvement Act to enact anti-bullying rules.

PROTEK YO CHILREN